Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
