Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
