The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
