Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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