Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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