So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
