Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
