Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
