I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have demons in me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
