i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
