I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
