He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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