So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
