you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
