Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
