I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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