I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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