The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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