What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Alive.
So much puke
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
