Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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