I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
