just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
