ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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