You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
