I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize