Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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