whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
