I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
