the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
