I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
