I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
