i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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