While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
