You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize