a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
