Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
