i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
