I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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