Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
