So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
