he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
