I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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