just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
