yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
