I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
