So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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