I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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