mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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