So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
