I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
