are you so shy because you have an std?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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