We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
