Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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