she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
