Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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