i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
