My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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